I’m on-call tonight, and while I had few things to say and some stuff to tell you… the night has kind of escaped me. As such, I offer you this little treasure that I found on the internet:

The 86 Rules of Boozing

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He’ll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don’t have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you’re doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout ‘woo-hoo!’ if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn’t play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You’ll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it’s hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar’s sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you’re off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It’s okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman’s name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
47. Nothing screams ‘nancy boy’ louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don’t drink from straws. Unless you’re doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don’t plan to finish it, don’t accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you’re leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don’t know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you’re ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you’re going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I’m an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “what’s good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you’re really drunk, the mothers.
71. It’s acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you’re hammered and they’re sober. It’s akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you’re wrong and either way you’re going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
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6. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

Okay, how about something a little meatier than that last post? Are you hungry for it? I know you are. Lets dig in.

Today was one of those days where everything seemed to take twice as long to do as it should. As a result, I wasn’t able to finish the furnace change out I was given and I was there until 6:00. Just not a good day for me. Not as bad as it was for one of our ‘helpers’, he got the boot today. But I guess that’s what happens when you’re overly cocky, lazy, and not good at what you do.

I did get a call today that may prove to be interesting. A guy I went to school with just got hired by a bank to do property maintenance (emphasis on the HVAC), he let me know that he’d passed my name and history along to the hiring manager and he’d like to see my resume. Sounds pretty good; twenty bucks an hour, company vehicle to take home, the only downside is that they’ve only got two locations left to fill: Detroit and Grand Rapids. I don’t know about Detroit, sure it’s closer, but it’s Detroit. I think I’d prefer the Grand Rapids opportunity, I don’t know much about that city, but I’ve heard that it’s pretty nice. I’m supposed to get more details tomorrow.

Last Saturday I went down to the Triumph dealership, mostly I just looked. I’d like to get a windscreen and some saddlebags but I’m uncertain about changing the look of my bike for more functionality. I really like the look of my bike without the sissybar… but that’s one step in the practical direction. Do I dare take two more steps? I guess it really depends on how much I’m going to be riding this season and how far I plan on going. I did walk out of there with a new cover for the bike, that’ll allow me to park here at the condo as long as I use our carport.

Last weekend I spent with Tasha and I’ll be doing the same this weekend. We didn’t really do anything for Easter, celebration wise. We went out on Saturday as it was the anniversary of her father’s death and that’s what he would have wanted us to do. We did a family breakfast with her peeps on Sunday, but it really had nothing to do with it being Easter. Things are going well between us, probably going faster than they should, but what do you do… we’ve got some history.

My sister is off to California for some sort of training/conference for work, her plane leaves at some god-awful time in the morning. Sucks to be her. I get to take care of the kitten while she’s gone. Lucky me.

I think that’s about it for now. Maybe I’ll have something for you tomorrow. Buh bye.

It’s the first day of spring. It’s been a pretty nice day, but they’re calling for snow tomorrow. Yeah, I could do without that. I’m done with winter. No more for me, thank you very much.

Shit. Pager just went off. I’m off to Auburn Hills. Talk to you in a bit.

So how did your Saint Patrick’s Day holiday go? Mine was nice in a not so Irish sort of way. I ended up working until 6:30 pm, which was freaking me out a little because I’d told Tasha that I’d be at her house between 7:00 – 7:30 …I’m not very good with being late… It causes me more stress than the average bear. I worked on that zone system in Davisburg during the early part of the day and then the office called me at 1:30ish with a no heat installation that they wanted done, like, right now. So I finished what I was doing, packed up my toys, and headed back to pick up the furnace. It was nearly 4:00 when I got there and the old furnace didn’t want to come out. Did I get side tracked? Sorta. Anyway, Tasha and I went to three different bars looking for a little bit of the Irish holiday spirit. I don’t think we stayed a grand total of 10-minutes combined at the bars. What we decided was that maybe had we gone straight from work at 4:00 we’d be in the proper frame of mind to appreciate all the drunken revelry or perhaps if we were just less mature (you can read that as younger) we’d be up to the bawdy loudness of the whole thing. We ended up at a restaurant drinking Killian’s and eating pizza and just enjoying each others company. I’m going to call it the best, worst St. Patrick’s Day ever.

I spent the weekend with Tasha and I believe the word on the street is that we’re officially and item and that we’re gonna give this whole thing another go round. Sure the rules are a little different this time; more couple, less individual. No really. We talked about this. Really. And there will be no living together for at least the duration of her apartment lease, as we both have stuff to get together (that would be our shit) and we want to do that before we try any kind of cohabitation. Also, there has been no talk of rushing back to the altar. Walking maybe, but definitely no rushing.

Friday, I took half a day off and got my legal stuff in order for my buddy Shawn, picked up my boys from school and took them to lunch and let Zachary know that he had a dentist appointment the next morning, and then went out with Tasha for a fish dinner and a little later met her sister at Bourbon Jakes for a few drinks.

Saturday, I took Zachary to the dentist… okay, first I had to wake him up, that’s always a nice way to start out. We were running late, but DAMN, the dentist was really running late. We waited an hour before they even got him in. Needless to say, they didn’t remove his braces this time around. Next time… it’s always next time, or it has been for the last 3 – 4 months anyway. Afterward, we went to CiCi’s for pizza. The lady took our money, gave us our cups, and then basically told us we might want to hurry because there were 80 middle-school kids coming in… they were there before we’d sat at the table. That’s a lot of kids and they are not quiet and they can really go through the pizza. We didn’t stay long, so much for all you can eat. I took the boy back home and then went and did some laundry, caught a short nap (long night), and then headed back to see my dog and my cats… okay, so I was really going back to see Tasha. Sue me.

We went to Chili’s for dinner before going to Best Buy for a little shopping excitement. They wouldn’t give me a credit card, so no laptop for me… thank God! We stopped by Shawn’s place and dropped off the paperwork I referenced above. Then we went home and watched 30 Days of Night, and I’ve got to say, not really a couple movie. Not a lot of romance in that one. Lots of blood. Lots of killing. Some fire. A few vampires. Not a lot of feel good, smiley moments.

Sunday we went to Lowe’s and I went tool crazy again. I picked myself up a DeWALT Hammer drill, cordless angle drill, and a Weber 2-foot ladder. And we went to Target where we both spent some money on things that are no where near as exciting as the tools, though I did get a nose-hair razor… I know TMI. Sorry. I actually watched The Wedding Crashers on the telly… I know, two movies in a weekend; crazy.

Enough about the weekend… I think I’m starting to make myself dizzy trying to remember what I did when. Suffice to say that it was a nice weekend with a lovely lady. Speaking of lovely ladies…

My mother called me yesterday about this whole union job thing that she’s certain my step-brother-in-law thinks he can set me up with. He hasn’t called. She wants me to keep pestering him. I don’t really know him and I’m not sure if working in a union tin shop is really what I’m looking for, but damn if she isn’t getting on my nerves about the whole thing. Maybe I’ll just give him a call later this week and see where we stand on the whole affair. At least then I’ll be able to say I called.

Looks like my buddy, Doug, is telling us all about his Apple/Mac experience… You know, if you care about that sort of crap. Me, well, I just think he needs to post more regularly and get over his fear of “the man” and need to “break the mold”. But that’s just me. And what do I know. A damn lot, that’s what.

Today, not a good day. Let’s not talk about it. Suffice to say that I’m so fed up with so many people around the office that I’m gonna start passing out ball-punches like most people pass out candy on Halloween. Oh, and I was done by 4:00 today when I should have been done much earlier, that’s because I had a helper… I swear this kid makes me work slower. I’m just fed up with repeating myself 3-times before doing things myself. **sigh** It’s just so much easier to do it myself.

That’s about enough for now. I’m out of here. Buh Bye.

This was on my old blog and I found it reposted over on Tammi’s MySpace blog while doing some surfing. I think it’s important enough to repost. So here’s what I’ve got for you today, a dozen rules to live by. In no particular order.

01) Never say anything disparaging about your mother, wife, girlfriend, sister, or daughter to your friends. Why? Why do you have to ask? Okay, look if you say it to them, they’re going to feel that its okay for them to say such things and then they’re going to be confused when you punch them out. See rule two.

02) If somebody is talking shit about your mother, wife, girlfriend, sister, or daughter. You need to ask them to shut their fucking mouth or shut it for them. Got it? Good.

03) Give your word sparingly and once given move heaven and earth to keep to your word. You make a promise, you keep that promise. If you’re not going to keep to your word, don’t give it.

04) Take friendship seriously. Give your friendship only to those who are worthy and then back them with everything you’ve got. If you’ve chosen well, they’ll do the same for you. If you choose poorly, well, it’ll be too late when you find out.

05) Be honest with yourself and with others. A lie is a lie and a lie is never good. A lie of omission is still a lie and the truth may hurt but its still the truth.

06) Do your best or do nothing. Nobody wants anything thats only done half-assed.

07) Love and care for your family always. I don’t care if youre a moody teen, a step-parent, or a cousin. You take care of your family. You just do.

08) Be calm, patient, and slow to anger. But when the fight comes to you, make sure you finish it.

11) In all that you do, consider the benefit or harm to yourself, your children, and your family.

12) Courage and honor endure. Their echoes remain when all else has vanished.

These tenants were true when I wrote them the first time a year-and-a-half ago and I’d say that I’m striving even harder now to live by them at this point in my life.

Happy Birthday to My Mom!

Now get off the computer and go do something. Later.